TW: Childhood Sexual Abuse, Rape, Molestation, Incest
My story hum, well I’m a 40 year old mother of 4 amazing boys , my oldest whom I had when I was only 16, is getting married this coming weekend, then I have a beautiful 17, year old sweetie with autism, just a jewel , then followed by the bash brothers who are 12, 13, I’ve been married to my husband for almost 20, years all though it has not been easy we have faught , tooth and nail, at times to keep our family together, . my husband knew coming into our relationship that I was sexually abused as a child, but of course I sugar coated it , you know so he didn’t think I was a slut, or weird or whatever.
My abuse started when my mother married my stepfather I was 4, the “grooming ” process began . he was nice and kind and you see my mother had a favorite child , and that was not me, it was my older sister , she was beautiful exsotic beautiful, dark eyes, hair, skin, people would stop just to look at her beauty, and then there was me I was lanky and white , bald, and I looked like my dad, and that was allll bad. So here is this “father ” type that thinks I’m just the bees knees , and he’s got all there fun “WIERD” games daddies ONLY daddies and daughters play , for the first two years it was just hide and seak quarters on body parts, and he ALWAYS, had to come in wake me up in the middle of the night just so he could rock me back to sleep literally in his LAP, at 6, we moved to a new town my mother got a new amazing job to which she worked 12, hour shifts that’s when the oral sex started, he would get me out of bed , act like we were watching TV and just push my face right there then lay me down and force me to allow him to perform oral sex on me, sometimes I’d wake up with him trying to force himself inside, me, it got to the point if I wanted to go anywhere or do anything , I had to perform some sort of sexual act on him then had to allow him to do the same on me, the abuse was pretty much daily he made sure of that , I was 13, the last time he tried to force intercource on me and I was scared I was pregnant , so I took a chance and told my mother,
My mother you see was a police dispatcher and we can’t say anything because she could lose her job and would be very embarrassed, so she said I’ll just tell him to stop. For a year he continued to abuse me and I started smoking pot, running around with the wrong croud of course, then I decided to run away with a girlfriend to Florida, we hitch nicked , the entire way with truckers, when we got there , we got caught right away , and my mother left me there for a week trying to decide if she wanted me back, the only way I got home was my grandma sent for me.
When I finally got home, my mother didn’t speak to me for three weeks but finally decided to report The abuse, but we went to her police ddepartment where all their friends worked , he got $1000,00 fine and that was it, my mother chose to stay with him ,
For years I kept them in my life, but every time they would leave , a holiday, or birthday party I’d be damaged for days, but I always felt being a GOOD christian I had to forgive and move past it, but I was drinking to self medicate, I was acting out sexualy, wasn’t like I had never went to counseling , I had , had be on all different types of medication combos,
Almost 2years ago my uncle passed away very sudden , I was very close to this uncle, you know the “type” of father you’d want , he was also my step fathers brother , so during this wake and funeral, I’m helping my aunt and cousins , and seeing my step father everyday for 5days , I literally had a breakdown, and had to be placed in a mental ward, for almost two months,
I learned I don’t have to have them in my life, I learned the damage the abuse caused mentally, I learned I can be a good Christian love my mom but if she wants to chose a monster over her very own daughter then there is no room for her in my life. I learned how to love life sober.I have recently gone through some quite intense medical issues, which my specialist has told me due to my PTSD my abuse is one of the major contributing factors, I know my abuse will be apart of me , but I will not longer ever let it control me, I believe in talking and sharing , joining a support group or make sure you have an amazing support system,